Lewis Black Quotes

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democra... -Lewis Black

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

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This quote employs political satire to make a disparaging comment about both Republicans and Democrats, suggesting that Republicans are devoid of good ideas, while Democrats lack any ideas altogether.

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi... -Lewis Black

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in ... -Lewis Black

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

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Comments on the timeless nature of online content and the perpetual availability of Christmas-related content throughout the year.

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to che... -Lewis Black

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

Discovering the context

Parenting extends beyond raising one's biological or adopted child, implying that it can involve caring for others in a parental role.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

Lewis Black Quotes

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