I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't wan... -Rodney Dangerfield

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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield , Comedian
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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes to Explore

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages....
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was....
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't....
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home....
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home....
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother....
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive....
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm....
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get....
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it....

Funny Quotes to Explore

My gift is to be funny....
The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh....
There's something dangerous about what's funny. Jarring and disconcerting. There is a connection between funny and scary....
I'm not so funny. Gilda was funny. I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while. But she was funny. She spent more time wo...
I can do comedy, so people want me to do that, but the other side of comedy is depression. Deep, deep depression is the flip side of comedy. Casting a...
It's so funny because my mom is Thai and my dad is this big American guy - and our food tastes were so similar growing up. He was meat and potatoes, I...
It's been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I'm like, 'Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella?...
My mother is very funny. She is from a village; she has a typical village kind of humour. Often she says a lot of things she herself isn't aware is a ...
I've always loved 'Umbrella.' Funny enough, my ex-husband wrote that, and I'm not saying it was meant for me or anything - people will start twisting ...
Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested....